Poetry brought me back.

Patterns

Patterns of maladjusted youth raising maladjusted youth

Patterns of language being abused

And

Abusive language

Patterns of boards on row houses

Of bums holding signs on corners

Of restlessness

Of untapped potential

Patterns of disrespect

And

Of Respect

Of violence

Of pain

Of hopelessness

Of laziness

And

Of love

Of family

Of loyalty

Of honesty

Patterns in the cracked streets of the ghettos

Patterns in the neatly trimmed shrubs of Roland Park

Patterns in the awnings on Broadway

Patterns in the color of people who live in each

All it takes to break a pattern is one unique character.

Memory Loss at 24?

For a while now this poem I wrote has been on my wall. I painted it over top of this poster because I thought they went well together. I'm sure you can't read it clearly so I'll type it below:

And when the Heart dies

The body follows or

wanders daily hollow

with no purpose

It is the Rock where 

all things sit,

without it existence=air

anatomy relies, sanity depends 

on a beating, constant, 

unchanging Heart

And when the Heart dies 

We lose All

The skin can't even recall you.

Now I remember getting this poster for free. I remember finding this poem and painting it on the poster. I even remember choosing to write certain words in certain colors. I know I wrote this poem but I cannot remember when I did so. It was in one of my notebooks, in my handwriting but I can't seem to recall penning it......I also wonder who or what inspired it. I have a couple guesses as my heart hasn't exactly been healthy all these years but it still perplexes me everytime I really look at this on my wall. 

Where did R&B go?

Really, I'm just wondering where a single R&B singer has gone?

Jon B.

I miss his smoldering bedroom eyes and skinny whiteboy frame swamped in flowing linen suits crooning. 

He sung me the question "Are You Still Down?" while Tupac rhymed along.

I am Mr. B., but where are you? 

New Apartment!

AHHHH! To stretch out in my own space......

I've moved into a studio apartment. It's very small and there are a few small kinks to work out but I love it! I have my own space for everything. 

so once again, I've taken an extended hiatus from the blogosphere. I'm really not sure why I haven't felt the urge to write but I guess thats just the way these things go. Part of me feels like I needed to write when I was trying to sort my brain out. Lately, I've been having to take all the actions that the sorting out made necessary. 

Hopefully, now that I'll be spending lots of time alone, I can get back to writing and reading the blogs. I have missed a couple people's stories and quips. 

PS If you're wondering about AL, we're still together but we just decided living together wasn't the best situation at the moment. 

Mental 360 (in the bathtub)

So I'm back.....I'm not going to tell you where I've been but some of this post may hint at it.

Tonight, I was sitting in the bathtub (with bubbles of course) and I was thinking about VH1. I was remembering the days when it used to be a music television network. Ok, maybe the videos they showed were mostly 5-10 years old but we all loved to turn the station from MTV or BET for a bit to catch a little smidgen of music history.

These days, you flip to this "behind the music" station and you see everything but music. Instead, you see washed up musicians looking for "love" or a new record deal, whichever comes first. It's gotten even worse because now the rejects of these musicians have shows where they put their followers through silly trials to supposedly find their true soulmate.

My thoughts on this topic were interrupted when I began to think about the other station I find myself flipping to pretty often: CNN. I began to think about a conversation Al and I had about how the presidential candidates keep up with their families.

This then led to me thinking about the last time I was in the bathtub. Al and I were together and he set up candles and turned the lights off. It was very romantic....Did I mention we live together now?

Unfortunately, my meandering thoughts then wandered to another time I was in the bathtub when A Guy had broken up with me. I was crying uncontrollably. The water was soothing. At this point I heard a song from the movie Pretty Woman coming from the television in the other room. You might remember it: "King of Wishful Thinking". Specific lines I heard went, "I'll get over you. I know I will. I'll pretend my ship's not sinking. I tell myself I'm over you 'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking."

This got me thinking about how scary it is to get over someone. It led me to wonder if I've ever actually done it. I wonder if I'm over A Guy or Beef or if I've just moved on because it's what a person must do to make it in life. I then began to think about if I really loved these people and how much I really love myself. I have always wondered why I couldn't maintain my love for myself throughout a relationship. Why is it that when I am single I am sure of my identity and confident in it but when I enter a relationship I lose bits and pieces of this confidence?

Pondering this question seemed too much until I thought about the fact that I have continued to love myself through these past 5 months with Al. This thought cheered me and gave me faith in my ever-growing and changing ability to love another human being and be in love with them.

The fear that I may never fully accomplish this dream of being in love with someone else and myself at the same time still plagues me constantly.

And I began to think again about VH1; Could it be that I or anyone else for that matter may be just as likely to find love with Brett Michaels or Flava Flav as we are with anyone else? Is national television even close to reality? Maybe just in this way: We are looking for love and more importantly working on our ability to love. Though reality television is oftentimes shrouded by ridiculousness and horrible attempts at getting famous, maybe we watch it hoping to see one person that succeeds in the true and pure goal.

Damn Ninjas

I was on the phone with my best friend today and she was telling me a story about a man pepper-spraying her dogs. He was reading the water meter at the house next door and her two dogs, one of which is a puppy, were barking from behind a sturdy fence. I guess this guy was new to the job because he wasn't aware that this is something dogs just do. Apparently, he was scared for his life(his words to the police) so he sprayed the dogs. My friend then had to take them to the vet(luckily she works there or it would have been expensive) where they had to be washed and fixed up. Their entire faces were swollen. My friend is currently trying to get this man fired. Anyway, at some point during the story her phone hangs up on me. I'm laying in bed with Al, (I think thats what I was calling him on this blog) the boy I was with all summer. He precedes to tell me this story:

A friend of his was sitting at her friends house in Atlanta. The home owner had stepped out to run to the store. Her dog was in the backyard which was enclosed by a fence. Out of nowhere a man in a mask carrying a ninja sword jumps the fence, and cuts the dog's head off with his weapon. Al's friend then had to call her friend and tell her that a ninja had just cut her dog's head off.....

Yup. That's all folks.

To Prove To Mom That I'm No Fool....

That's Right! Back to School!

This time I'm going back as a student and a teacher. I've started a reading specialist masters program at Towson University and I've returned to my classroom as a 7th and 8th grade English teacher. 

Highlights:

-I have the same students as last year so it's been cake getting them into class again!

-I haven't received a parking ticket on Towson's campus.

-My professors seem pretty cool. 

-My assignments seem simple and interesting. 

-I found out my students scored pretty well on the state test last year. Unfortunately, this means quite a bit in a teaching career. 

-My mom sent me to laptop computers for my classroom!

Not-so-high lights:

-I have spent my entire paycheck on bills already.

-I have zero dollars to pay for books. 

-I have the same students as last year so I got the annoying ones back. 

-My cool professors expect me to have the textbooks already. 

-The school now has high expectations for me because of my high test scores. Basically, this means they are up my ass all the time. 

-My grad classes take up my nap time. 

-One of the laptops needs an operating system.