Breaking up with Joyce in 2011

Justification

2011-01-17T13:12:00.004-05:00

It always amazes me how I can justify anything I do. This weekend was one of those in which I would have previously justified my actions but since I'm supposed to be breaking up with myself, I'm not going to do that on this blog.

This weekend:

- I drank. Since giving you times, amounts or reasons would be justifying it I'm not going to do so.

- I slept with previously mentioned emotionally unavailable man.

-I ate some unhealthy foods.

I also:

-Worked out pretty intensely.

-cleaned my apartment.

The saddest part of this weekend was realizing that I had lost a friend. Without telling a sob story, one of my bad decisions on a night of drinking at the end of 2010 has led to someone I care very much about cutting me off. This makes me sick because I know it was my fault and there's not much I can do to fix it. This break up was supposed to prevent things like this from happening but I guess with anything, there are residual effects. Let's just hope I can keep from making bad decisions in the future. Thus far, in 2011, I've done a decent job of it. If anything, having to type my actions out is helping me take responsibility for them. Amen for the Internet.

Health=Happiness

2011-01-13T11:11:00.003-05:00

Two of my break up goals related to my physical health. I chose these goals because health is a holistic concept that encompasses your mind and body. Since I'm trying to gain clarity in my mind, I thought it may be a good idea to try to eat better and work out daily.

I am, very simply put, not a "gym" person so I have been attempting to dance as a workout for 45 minutes each evening and then do 10 minutes of yoga. For the first week of my break up, I was vigilant about this. I did it every night and it felt great. I found myself with more energy at all times and I also found that I slept well when I slept. I also didn't seem to need as much sleep as usual. Then I hit a wall.....

My wall happened after Philly....which leads me to believe my wall might have been self-constructed. Being slightly disappointed in myself after having two drinks I slept the entire next day and have only worked out once since.....I guess I am truly my own worst enemy.

Since then I have gotten numerous hours of sleep but have not felt well once. I am constantly exhausted and my energy level is difficult to maintain. Hopefully, I can get back on track before I fall completely off the bus.

Wish me luck.

Rough Waters....

2011-01-11T08:49:00.002-05:00

There's a really cheezy song that says, "Breaking up is hard to do...." and though it's corny, it's very true. This past weekend I had some ups and downs. The subject I will write about today is my drinking goal.

I felt extremely anxious on Friday when I thought about the implications of my attitude on a night without alcohol. I even called my best friend and asked her what it would mean if I had no fun when we went out because I wasn't drinking. Did this mean I had a serious drinking problem? She went on to tell me she thought I was silly to stop drinking and I just needed to learn to moderate my intake. This is easy for someone to say when they do not come from a culture of people with functional alcoholism.

Turns out, I had nothing to worry about. On Friday, I danced the night away and barely noticed a difference in my normal partying routine. I still enjoyed talking to and meeting new people as well as laughing with my best friend, Deep. When I got home, I was still starving and on the positive side instead of eating crappy post-bar food, I ate some grapes! The most annoying part of all this was that I woke up the next day with a headache. I've decided this means that my headaches are not a result of hangovers but of stress. I drank a cup coffee Saturday morning and did my yoga and immediately felt better.

On Saturday night, temptation hit. An old friend of mine was going to be in Philadelphia to visit his brother and since it is only 2 hours away, I decided it would be fun to go party with him that night. I'm pretty sure I haven't touched upon this before but in my hometown it is basically a rite of passage to be a binge drinker. I moved away because I had watched the negative effects of a party life take its' toll on too many people I cared about. My anxiety about this break up became worse when I thought about seeing one of those friends and trying to explain why I was doing it to someone who came from that culture. I thought about not going but then this experiment wouldn't be valid. Could I maintain the same level of fun in a different place with different friends?

Turns out, I was right to worry this night. Though I explained to my friend that I was trying not to drink because it had become an unhealthy habit, he still pressured me to just have one. His good friend that had come with him also drunkenly exclaimed that it just wasn't right to "Cheers" with a diet coke. I did end up having two drinks. I feel slightly guilty about this only because I am attempting this break up. Otherwise, a two drink night is pretty much ok. I made no bad decisions and still had fun. I did have to play babysitter to the other two drunks but that's not so bad because they were pretty funny.

So what does this mean? I'm pretty excited about the fact that I still had so much fun when I didn't drink. This calms some of my worries about my drinking. I'm also excited that I could control the amount of alcohol I had on the second night. My next test will be to attempt to go out on a night after I am extremely stressed out and not have a drink. Let's see how it goes....

Day 4-Working Out

2011-01-04T13:44:00.005-05:00

I'm exhausted at work. I'm not sure if I've made this clear but I am a teacher. I seem to devote huge portions of my energy to my students. Today I may have given them too much. I am not feeling motivated to go home and work out and do my yoga. I simply want to curl up and nap the moment I get home.

But....then I remember how great it felt yesterday when I finished my dance routine and was dripping with sweat. I immediately went into a yoga breathing and stretching routine which helped me clear my head. For 10 minutes I thought about nothing but myself. It was amazing. After a shower, I had more energy than I've felt in a very long time.

For dinner I had spinach pasta (not too unhealthy) and then I helped Vader clean his very dirty apartment. It seems staying away from him is the hardest of my goals. I can't seem to gather the self-control to leave him alone. Honestly, lately I enjoy his company so much it's actually difficult not to be around him....and he genuinely seems to enjoy mine. I'll never understand why that doesn't lead him to commitment the way it does me.

As I think about each of these things...a common theme keeps popping into my head: BALANCE

It's so hard to find balance. I am doing a great job of keeping with the goals of my break up for the most part but it seems that I can't do them all every day. Is this balance? Does that make it ok?

Day 2-3 At work

2011-01-03T13:21:00.003-05:00

Sitting here with my students I find it hard not to think about staying after work for far too many hours. I feel I owe them too much not to stay and do the work necessary to give them a great experience. I also know that if I stay each day I will become burned out which does not help them either...

As my students practice independent reading, these are the thoughts creeping into my brain. Hopefully, I can find a balance to be sure to help them while not hurting myself.

I've been doing well with my other break up goals...working out, eating right, and not drinking.

Notice I didn't mention Vader.

Day 1-Vader

2011-01-02T10:31:00.006-05:00

I'm writing my first break up day report while laying in bed next to the man I was supposed to be staying away from...so that piece of my break up is obviously not going according to plan.

On a more positive note, I did not drink yesterday and I did work out....Vader (from this point on said man will be referred to as this) and I went to dinner at which I ate very well and I only drank water. I did not contact any of my friends but this is ok as they didn't contact me either and I did no work which is acceptable because it was a Saturday.

All in all, out of 5 goals I'd set for myself, day 1 was a success on 4 counts.

So let's talk about Vader.

We met at a lounge at the beginning of summer and after a night of drinking he carried me home on his back. This was the beginning of what we both safely assumed was going to be a summer fling. We had great sex for many months and began to regard each other as friends. Somewhere in September, I felt things begin to turn. Both of us had begun to care too much for each other for this to be termed a fling any longer. Since then it's been a roller coaster of sorts trying to decide where we should take this "thing" we have going on. True to stereotype, I am leaning more toward commitment, he is satisfied with our current status.

My decision to stop sleeping with him for this Break Up had largely to do with the feeling that I'm not getting any younger and if he hasn't committed yet, he probably won't. He fully understood this and respected my decision....kind of.

On New Year's Eve, I drank because it was my last night to do so and then we both ended up in the same place. This resulted in us drunkenly careening through the streets to find a cab and then being kicked out of the cab we did get. I threatened to call the cab company on the driver because he wanted to overcharge us. I should have kept my mouth shut because our trip home would have been much more comfortable. When we finally reached my house we started talking about the fact that we weren't supposed to be having sex any longer. Vader expressed some very strong feelings(alcohol loosens the tongue) of frustration with me for this decision and with himself for not being able to commit. We ended up falling asleep. He kept all of his clothes on to avoid any temptation. In the morning, we had soberly recapped some of his statements from the previous night and ended up having sex, really great sex.

We decided that we would do something later that night and then NOT have sex. We were hoping this would be the beginning of a new, different relationship that might make some sense. Dinner was awesome, the movie was good (True Grit) and when we got back to my house we managed to pass out without intercourse. Once again, he was fully clothed. This morning he popped up at 8 am and would not lay back down....morning wood??? We began kissing and one thing led to another.....

I feel like he's trying....I feel like we both are or maybe we're not because we simply don't want to. Do I just go with the flow or do I fight harder to keep this resolution of sorts?

Here's to the hope that I can figure this one out in the New Year.

Breaking up is hard to do.....

2010-12-31T13:01:00.004-05:00

I know I haven't written in over a year...but I'm coming back at the end of 2010 to blog about dumping myself.

In the year 2011, I am breaking up with myself. I will be journaling my journey in the hopes of sticking to my plan of losing all of the bad habits I have acquired over the years. This is NOT a New Year's Resolution but an official parting of ways from the woman I have become and an attempt to get back to the woman I truly am...

Wish me luck.

Goals:

1. Moderate alcohol intake; this will begin with a month in which I do not drink at all (see previous blogs about alcohol to understand why this is necessary)

2. Stay clear of emotionally unavailable men (see previous blogs about men to understand this one)

3. Live Healthy; eat better, exercise

4. Work Healthy; stay focused but not let it take over my existence

5. Be a better friend

Starting points:

1. Current alcohol intake: I go out once or twice a week and drink 3-5 drinks each time. Being completely honest, at least once a month I get embarrassingly drunk and act ridiculous. These events are usually followed by a morning of emotional and physical hangover.

2. Current Man: EXTREMELY emotionally unavailable but awesome person who has no interest at all in being in a relationship with me but thinks I'm awesome and also enjoyed our sexual relationship for 7 months. He has been informed of my break up and we are going to attempt friendship.

3. Well, to illustrate this one I'll just inform you that I just ate 3 buffalo wings and an apple sauce for dinner....I did exercise today(danced for 25 minutes and did yoga for 10)

4. I work 6 days a week; 5 of these I'm there at least 12 hours a day....I've been having bad dreams about work every day of this break in which I've attempted not to do any work related activities.

5. I have a few awesome friends but I'm almost positive that they are all frustrated with me for one of the following: not listening to their advice, not answering the phone/texting back, not making time to hang out with them, not having confidence in myself.

Poetry brought me back.

2009-09-25T08:50:00.001-04:00

Patterns

Patterns of maladjusted youth raising maladjusted youth

Patterns of language being abused

And

Abusive language

Patterns of boards on row houses

Of bums holding signs on corners

Of restlessness

Of untapped potential

Patterns of disrespect

And

Of Respect

Of violence

Of pain

Of hopelessness

Of laziness

And

Of love

Of family

Of loyalty

Of honesty

Patterns in the cracked streets of the ghettos

Patterns in the neatly trimmed shrubs of Roland Park

Patterns in the awnings on Broadway

Patterns in the color of people who live in each

All it takes to break a pattern is one unique character.

Memory Loss at 24?

2009-02-19T13:55:00.002-05:00

For a while now this poem I wrote has been on my wall. I painted it over top of this poster because I thought they went well together. I'm sure you can't read it clearly so I'll type it below:

And when the Heart dies

The body follows or

wanders daily hollow

with no purpose

It is the Rock where

all things sit,

without it existence=air

anatomy relies, sanity depends

on a beating, constant,

unchanging Heart

And when the Heart dies

We lose All

The skin can't even recall you.

Now I remember getting this poster for free. I remember finding this poem and painting it on the poster. I even remember choosing to write certain words in certain colors. I know I wrote this poem but I cannot remember when I did so. It was in one of my notebooks, in my handwriting but I can't seem to recall penning it......I also wonder who or what inspired it. I have a couple guesses as my heart hasn't exactly been healthy all these years but it still perplexes me everytime I really look at this on my wall.

Where did R&B go?

2009-02-18T08:30:00.005-05:00

Really, I'm just wondering where a single R&B singer has gone?

Jon B.

I miss his smoldering bedroom eyes and skinny whiteboy frame swamped in flowing linen suits crooning.

He sung me the question "Are You Still Down?" while Tupac rhymed along.

I am Mr. B., but where are you?

New Apartment!

2009-02-06T19:26:00.002-05:00

AHHHH! To stretch out in my own space......

I've moved into a studio apartment. It's very small and there are a few small kinks to work out but I love it! I have my own space for everything.

so once again, I've taken an extended hiatus from the blogosphere. I'm really not sure why I haven't felt the urge to write but I guess thats just the way these things go. Part of me feels like I needed to write when I was trying to sort my brain out. Lately, I've been having to take all the actions that the sorting out made necessary.

Hopefully, now that I'll be spending lots of time alone, I can get back to writing and reading the blogs. I have missed a couple people's stories and quips.

PS If you're wondering about AL, we're still together but we just decided living together wasn't the best situation at the moment.

Mental 360 (in the bathtub)

2008-10-26T20:20:00.003-04:00

So I'm back.....I'm not going to tell you where I've been but some of this post may hint at it.

Tonight, I was sitting in the bathtub (with bubbles of course) and I was thinking about VH1. I was remembering the days when it used to be a music television network. Ok, maybe the videos they showed were mostly 5-10 years old but we all loved to turn the station from MTV or BET for a bit to catch a little smidgen of music history.

These days, you flip to this "behind the music" station and you see everything but music. Instead, you see washed up musicians looking for "love" or a new record deal, whichever comes first. It's gotten even worse because now the rejects of these musicians have shows where they put their followers through silly trials to supposedly find their true soulmate.

My thoughts on this topic were interrupted when I began to think about the other station I find myself flipping to pretty often: CNN. I began to think about a conversation Al and I had about how the presidential candidates keep up with their families.

This then led to me thinking about the last time I was in the bathtub. Al and I were together and he set up candles and turned the lights off. It was very romantic....Did I mention we live together now?

Unfortunately, my meandering thoughts then wandered to another time I was in the bathtub when A Guy had broken up with me. I was crying uncontrollably. The water was soothing. At this point I heard a song from the movie Pretty Woman coming from the television in the other room. You might remember it: "King of Wishful Thinking". Specific lines I heard went, "I'll get over you. I know I will. I'll pretend my ship's not sinking. I tell myself I'm over you 'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking."

This got me thinking about how scary it is to get over someone. It led me to wonder if I've ever actually done it. I wonder if I'm over A Guy or Beef or if I've just moved on because it's what a person must do to make it in life. I then began to think about if I really loved these people and how much I really love myself. I have always wondered why I couldn't maintain my love for myself throughout a relationship. Why is it that when I am single I am sure of my identity and confident in it but when I enter a relationship I lose bits and pieces of this confidence?

Pondering this question seemed too much until I thought about the fact that I have continued to love myself through these past 5 months with Al. This thought cheered me and gave me faith in my ever-growing and changing ability to love another human being and be in love with them.

The fear that I may never fully accomplish this dream of being in love with someone else and myself at the same time still plagues me constantly.

And I began to think again about VH1; Could it be that I or anyone else for that matter may be just as likely to find love with Brett Michaels or Flava Flav as we are with anyone else? Is national television even close to reality? Maybe just in this way: We are looking for love and more importantly working on our ability to love. Though reality television is oftentimes shrouded by ridiculousness and horrible attempts at getting famous, maybe we watch it hoping to see one person that succeeds in the true and pure goal.

Damn Ninjas

2008-09-13T19:18:00.005-04:00

I was on the phone with my best friend today and she was telling me a story about a man pepper-spraying her dogs. He was reading the water meter at the house next door and her two dogs, one of which is a puppy, were barking from behind a sturdy fence. I guess this guy was new to the job because he wasn't aware that this is something dogs just do. Apparently, he was scared for his life(his words to the police) so he sprayed the dogs. My friend then had to take them to the vet(luckily she works there or it would have been expensive) where they had to be washed and fixed up. Their entire faces were swollen. My friend is currently trying to get this man fired. Anyway, at some point during the story her phone hangs up on me. I'm laying in bed with Al, (I think thats what I was calling him on this blog) the boy I was with all summer. He precedes to tell me this story:

A friend of his was sitting at her friends house in Atlanta. The home owner had stepped out to run to the store. Her dog was in the backyard which was enclosed by a fence. Out of nowhere a man in a mask carrying a ninja sword jumps the fence, and cuts the dog's head off with his weapon. Al's friend then had to call her friend and tell her that a ninja had just cut her dog's head off.....

Yup. That's all folks.

To Prove To Mom That I'm No Fool....

2008-09-08T20:29:00.004-04:00

That's Right! Back to School!

This time I'm going back as a student and a teacher. I've started a reading specialist masters program at Towson University and I've returned to my classroom as a 7th and 8th grade English teacher.

Highlights:

-I have the same students as last year so it's been cake getting them into class again!

-I haven't received a parking ticket on Towson's campus.

-My professors seem pretty cool.

-My assignments seem simple and interesting.

-I found out my students scored pretty well on the state test last year. Unfortunately, this means quite a bit in a teaching career.

-My mom sent me to laptop computers for my classroom!

Not-so-high lights:

-I have spent my entire paycheck on bills already.

-I have zero dollars to pay for books.

-I have the same students as last year so I got the annoying ones back.

-My cool professors expect me to have the textbooks already.

-The school now has high expectations for me because of my high test scores. Basically, this means they are up my ass all the time.

-My grad classes take up my nap time.

-One of the laptops needs an operating system.

Uh oh!

2008-09-02T21:18:00.001-04:00

I wrote that last post and then looked over at my glass of wine and wondered who drank it?

Note: No one else is here........

Post-Transplant (While watching Star Wars)

2008-09-02T21:11:00.003-04:00

I'm alone in a city, not from lack of people or lovers but because I can't find myself. When I do, it's like a vacation. I've gone into my brain and driven a couple hours to my sub-conscious. I stay there shortly and this is my only time to bask within myself. The beauty of my thoughts, the purity of my heart and the love that exudes from my being are as visible as the sun on a beach. I beam onto and into everything. This beauty and purity seem to be marred when I'm alone again. There's a million people around me and you're laying next to me but I am in solitary. I am not really here, not the real me. The past has hidden me and here I stand, in the middle of a city filled with other human beings. I can't wait for vacation.

Day 2!

2008-08-13T10:40:00.010-04:00

Breakfast? Beer and Cheese Danish.

Chad wore this shirt. Behind him are a bunch of people waiting for Lil Wayne to come on stage. He was 45 minutes late and then ran into the next group's time. He also sang a whole song about pussy. It was disturbing and ignorant.

These two look like idiots.

Melanie is showing her lack of love for Weezy.

We saw lots of smiles this day.

On day 2, we also saw Moby in the dance tent and then Nine Inch Nails and Kanye West later that night. All in all, it was a good weekend!

Virgin Festival! Day 1.

2008-08-13T10:30:00.005-04:00

Upon entering, I get very confusing by the conflicting signs?

Day 1: Mela, Frenchie and I see Duffy, Lupe Fiasco, Bloc Party, Jack Johnson and Foo Fighters. We drink lots of free juice drink and I get a beehive hairdo. We also dance a lot.

Slowly coming back.....to rant

2008-08-08T11:31:00.003-04:00

Ok, I'm back from my endless stream of sex and cuddling to rant about certain establishments that have been forced to change as a result of America's problem with overdoing....well....everything.

Yesterday I was in a rush before work because me and aforementioned boy tried to get a quickie in before we left. I was pmsing so I was feeling for some icky foods. Now, I very seldomly eat food from fast food joints but when the hormones are raging I crave it. I pull up to McDonalds and order a chicken sandwich meal.

As I pull around and hand the first window lady my money, I'm a little excited. It's been a month since I had the greasy goodness in my mouth. I then pull up to the next window and I'm handed my sweet tea and bag which I notice is without grease on it. Ok fine, not a problem except when I open the bag and take out my sandwich. It's on an f-in wheat roll and it's little. The mayo is severely lacking. This then leads to the worst part where I take a fry. They were gross and dry like cardboard.

Now I understand that fast food joints have been getting a lot of shit for being disgustingly unhealthy. I also believe it's gross how unhealthy they are but that's why I eat their food in moderation, only once a month. Why should my once a month pms binge be affected because the American people cannot control their own eating habits? Is the fact that people get morbidly obese off of McDonalds' food the fault of the restaurant? I think the people who choose as consenting adults to eat there too much are the real problem. They act as if they didn't know eating fried, greasy food everyday was going to make them fat. They know and they do it anyway. This, ladies and gentlemen is not my fault. I am very upset that I will now have to look elsewhere next month when I'm craving grease.

*****Now I actually think it's nice that MickeyD's is attempting to help the people that cannot seem to stay away from the place. I just also think it's extremely sad that so many people in this country cannot control their eating habits. I also think it's even more sad when they affect children with these horrible habits. The problem is not MickeyD's, it's the fact that when people ignore their poor diet decisions they then look for someone else to blame. You ate the shit and and you shoved into your poor child's mouth, now deal with it.*****

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

2008-07-29T08:05:00.003-04:00

I know.....I know....I've been missing. I've been spending about a tenth of my time online instead of my usual three-quarters. What have I been doing?

I've been waitressing, yes. I've been living life and enjoying summer, yes. I've also been spending time with Abster and Deep because they were leaving and have now left. I can't say any of those things would keep me from blogging or reading some of my favorite blogs though.

The truth bloggers is.....I've been practically living with a boy. I should say a man but while you're still infatuated it's cute to say boy. It all began with helping him move into a new apartment and having lots of fun, interesting sex. I called this honeymooning. The completely unexpected part is that after the apartment was settled, we had gotten so used to having each other around and wanting each other around. Basically, I'm still here. I'm writing this post from his computer.

We're just having too much fun frolicking through the summer days half-naked (most of the time). The funny thing is I've thought of many things I'd like to write about but it's just been more fun learning this boy's body and letting him learn mine.

I don't have much else to say about him because well, who knows where these type of situations will lead? but I felt you deserved an explanation. I'm also not quite sure how much longer I'll be away. I'm sure I will have more time in front of my computer once I get back into grown-up world when school starts back up.

Sayonara Ladies

2008-07-15T22:48:00.003-04:00

I am sentimental today. I keep thinking of those cheezy e-mails/facebook posts about girlfriends. You know which ones I mean. The ones that always include something about girlfriends bailing you out of jail but best friends sitting there with you laughing about whatever hijinks you pulled(usually including getting back at some a**hole who screwed you over). Normally, these don't mean much and I find them minimally annoying but this week I'm losing two of my main ladies. Specifically, my two best friends in Baltimore. Abster and Deep are leaving me.

They are moving on to bigger and better things which include nursing careers in Chicago and New York City. I am very happy for them but I am very sad for me. I will miss them dearly. I have never been a girl who hates girls. I love having girlfriends, especially genuine ones. These two ladies are real and sincere friends. They've been around throughout this roller-coaster year and it seemed we were on the ride together. Ups and downs, no matter what, we would throw back margaritas and make each other smile. They are my family here and I am not quite sure what I'll do without them. I will be attending their graduation on Friday and I will spend the weekend with Deep but Abster will be gone by Monday. I will be drinking Margaritas on Mondays all alone from now on.....

Cheers ladies! Here's to life's changes and bull**** men!

To My Late Night DJ

2008-07-09T17:56:00.003-04:00

As I drive to the house of my lover tonight, I hear your deep soothing voice. You've chosen just the right song to put me in the mood. The thoughts of the day are long forgotten and I'm ready for his kiss, his touch. This makes me think back to my childhood when your sweet melodies lulled me to sleep. Sweet, slow songs floated through my dreams and I would wake smiling. Throughout adolescence and my teenage years, you always knew just what to play and when. The instruments would weave and stitch my broken hearts. You understood that each moment really was that serious. The mellow voices would reach deep into my heart accentuating the love, lust or infatuation that was brewing there.

And now, you've done it again. Thank you late night DJ. You've always kept me in love with love. In love with music. In love with myself.

Hangin' Tough

2008-07-01T13:00:00.003-04:00

I heard they were coming back. I felt a little twinge of excitement. I thought no, no, no that's just kid stuff. Boy bands are for preteens with developing hormones. Well, I guess once you love a boy band you never stop because when I watched this video, I wanted to be screaming in front of a stage. I felt completely nostalgic and wanted to break out my big pins and NKOTB sleeping bag. Joey's eyes made me tingle all over and I watched it twice just for the second tingle.

I know it's a cheezy song and a cheezy video. I'm also not really sure how they got them all to agree to come back together but today, I'm happy they did. You have complete permission to pick on me. I deserve it.

The Number of the Day is....

2008-06-30T08:42:00.002-04:00

Eight things I am passionate about:

1. Teaching- Obvious

2. Learning- Never want to stop.

3. The health of the earth- At the moment it's headed toward the ICU.

4. Friends- Keeping them.

5. Independence- Learning to be.

6. Enjoying Life- Dance, Drink, Eat and Being Merry.

7. Writing/Reading- What I do with about 90% of my idle time.

8. Men- Sorry but I love 'em.

Eight things I want to do before I die:

(There's a lot more than 8)

1. Go around the world

2. Teach in a 3rd world country

3. Write something and get it published

4. Stand on a volcano

5. Change the education system

6. Ski/ Bike/ Hike in exotic places

7. Live in a nudist colony

8. Elope

Eight things I say often:

1. Hello/Hey/Hi

2. What's up?

3. How's your morning/ day/ night?

4. Excuse Me

5. Thanks

6. I'm Sorry

7. Goodnight

8. Bye

Eight books I've read recently:

1. The House on Mango Street

2. What's the What?

3. Prozac Nation

4. 13 bullets

5. Lonely Werewolf Girl

6. One Hundred Years of Solitude

7. The Dalai Lama's book about science and spirituality

8. Rant

Eight Movies I have seen Eight times:

1. Pride and Prejudice- the old one, not the new one

2. Step Up- cheezy yes, but he is hot

3. The Lord of the Rings trilogy

4. The Goonies

5. Say Anything

6. any romantic comedies that they play on tv all the time

7. Anchorman

8. The Outsiders

Eight People who should do this meme:

1. Verb

2. Paula

3. Matt

4. Well-Intentioned Heartbreaker

5. Clandestine Samurai

6. La Petite Belle

7. Romney

8. Jamie

Lessons: The Unspoken Rules

2008-06-26T10:17:00.003-04:00

This is for all the people who don't know about the unspoken rules. Things like moving over if my car is on your ass because that means you're just driving too slow and if you have a full grocery cart and I'm carrying one item, it's pretty customary to let me go first at the cashier. The specific rule I'd like to talk about today is about sitting down in public places. Even more specifically, public places that are not really busy where the seats are not all taken.

There are two events that have occurred fairly recently that made me feel it was necessary to remind you of these rules.

First, I was in New York City a couple weeks ago where we were taking the subway everywhere. My friends and I were on our way back to her house from 34th St. Now, Mr. Sleepyhead, I understand why you had to sit so close to me in the first place because when you sat down there were no other seats on the train. What I don't understand is why you couldn't scooch down a smidgen when almost all those people got off of the train? Why did you insist on sitting/sleeping so close to me that our arms and knees were touching? Why did you pretend that you didn't feel my elbow hit you 3 seperate times in an attempt to wake you up and move you over? Why were you so annoying that the girl across from me noticed this, said she thought you were doing it on purpose and adjusted her things so I could move to her side of the train? Why did I have to get up and move to the bench across from my friends because you were an asshole and didn't know the rules? Let me teach: If you are in a busy place causing you to sit right next to someone and the bench/seat/space next to you clears out(in this case completely clears out), SLIDE THE F*** OVER. If you do this again sir, I'm going to have to put you in timeout and by that I mean I'll elbow you in the head next time, dumbass.

Second, This time I was in an airport coming home from New Hampshire. I was sitting at my gate, just waiting. There was a whole row of seats next to me, all of which were empty. There were also many rows around me which had not a single person sitting in them. This lefts tons of room for you, Mrs. Big Hat and your friends, to sit and chit chat about your yachts and country clubs. Did you do this though? Nope. You chose to come sit right next to me. You chose to ignore my purse sitting in the chair, slide it over and plop your skinny plastic ass down. Now I understand Ma'am, that I was taking up two chairs with my things but I figured this wouldn't be a problem seeing as there were SHITLOADS of empty seats and rows around me. Now, I would have been okay if you would have just let me sit and read my novel quietly to myself just like I was doing when you walked up. But No, you and your friends begin to have extremely loud conversation about things which only you could care about and then laugh very loudly following every other sentence. I can only assume this was following many glasses of wine you think is good because it costs a lot. This then caused me to be disgustingly distracted and my reading had to be stopped. It just wouldn't be fair to the author to read while so unfocused. I respect authors but I do not respect you, ma'am, for not knowing the rules. Let me teach: When you are searching for a place to sit and you see a person sitting and reading alone taking up two seats or even one seat in an otherwise empty row, choose any where to sit but directly next to this person. You may sit in that same row a seat or two over or you may sit in one of the other empty spaces in the general area but never sit right next to a person who is very obviously enjoying their solitude.

In general students, give people their space. I'm very sorry if your significant other hasn't touched you in years or you can't get chicks/dudes to look at you. This is no reason to take care of your desire for human contact by preying on innocent people. I've heard those blow up dolls are pretty realistic. You can go buy one and then maybe you wouldn't feel the need to get so close to random people in random places.

I Can't Wait

2008-06-24T11:45:00.003-04:00

Why is it that I cannot wait to be a server again? I start a summer serving job today at a pretty swanky Mediterranean restaurant and for some reason I am psyched. I served while I was in college at a country club and when I left I swore I'd never do it again. It's amazing how much greener the grass can be on the other side. After the crazy year I've had teaching, there's nothing I'd rather do than serve and work alongside adults.

I can't wait to be allowed to curse in the kitchen and not have to worry if children can hear me. I can't wait to learn about all kinds of fancy food and wines so that I can use that knowledge later in mixed company. I can't wait to work alongside and converse with people who aren't teachers. Not that I don't love my fellow teachers because I do but a change will be nice. I can't wait to be around the restaurant culture. I'm only hoping this place has a cool staff because that's what makes a work environment great.

Added bonuses: money over the summer, meeting new people

Now I know that this enthusiasm will wear off once I have to start dealing with a**hole customers and probably a manager who sucks or another server who sucks. For right now though, it feels good to have something to look forward to!

Why "GAY" does in fact still mean happy!....among other things!

2008-06-21T22:41:00.006-04:00

I went to the Baltimore version of the Gay Pride Festival today. NO NO NO...I'm not switching over to the vag. I like penises even if they are attached to the lesser half of the human species. Sorry guys....TO upset me today. Little bitter.

My friend Abster wanted to go because she's from Chicago and I guess their parade and festival gets pretty crazy and I had seen the one they used to have in Buffalo. I had never actually attended but it looked like a fun time. I threw on some rainbow colored shoes(no not the ones in the pic from NH, i actually have more than one pair of rainbow colored shoes) and we went. We had a beer each before we left and then to save money we took it back college-style and filled some plastic soda bottles with vodka/whatever mixes. Summer time hits hard on us teachers. Gotta save up for future partying.

We ended up catching the end of the parade. The thing that surprised me most was the lack of skin showing. Now as I said, I had never actually attended a homosexual festival but the few I had seen in passing or caught on tv usually involved a lot of skin showing. Whether it's the lesbians who walk around with their shirts off and no bras to make a statement or the gay men doing their thing in tiny shorts and well...nothing else, I was totally expecting tons of nudity but I only got some. Very disappointed Baltimore....

What really impressed me was the positive vibe of the whole event. It was so open and loving to everyone. The whole time I kept thinking would these same hugging and kissing gay couples be welcomed at a straight event the way they're letting us into their world? No one cared that we were two straight girls and as Abster and I got a little more intoxicated the gay men didn't mind if she gave them a little ass slap for fun's sake! What would a straight man do if the same gay man did this to him while they were both at the same party?

I have always been supportive of homosexuals having the right to choose who they want to be with but there were many times in my life where I can honestly say I just wasn't comfortable around gay people. I was never quite sure why. There's really no other group I can say that I've ever felt this way about. In the past few years, I've made friends with some gay men that allowed me to be a bit more comfortable but today really sealed the deal. I was completely comfortable in this atmosphere where everyone was just allowed to be who they were! I may have shed the one bias that I've always felt horrible for having and it feels amazing!

WAIT! I thought I had finished this post, even published it, but then I remembered one very great thing about the gay pride fest! Goodies! I got a bag full of condoms, lube, a stress ball and sunblock? Not sure how that fits in? I also got a t-shirt that says, "Hey HATER, I'm over here!" and an Adult Mad Libs book! Cannot wait to make TO play that with me! I'll take a pic of these things and post later.

Huge vocabularies, outdoor sports and cool old ladies. O and Happy Father's Day!

2008-06-18T19:29:00.009-04:00

This past weekend I went to New Hampshire. I was there because my younger cousin was graduating from high school and my parents asked if I'd like to go with them. I figured, "Sure, why not?" I don't know my cousins too well and it would be nice to get to know them. You see, I have a massive family so it's hard to get to know everybody personally. I also went because their mother, my aunt, is one of my favorite people. She's just a cool lady(she and my cousin are in the pic above). She's a librarian and a liberal.

Upon arriving, I meet my father and wish him a Happy Father's Day! He is most definitely my favorite person on earth. He's always been there for me. My mother had gotten stuck taking a later plane so we were picked up by my aunt and my mother had to drive a rental car to her house later. Here's the first thing I learned about New England this weekend: You have to drive over an hour to get almost anywhere. Luckily, the drives are usually through beautiful, lush green areas so it's not too bad.

Throughout my stay, I learned a few other things.

New England is very white. Coming from Baltimore, it was just strange to not see ANY black people. I did see a couple of Asians though, maybe 5. This would probably prevent me from ever moving to this area because I love diversity.

Most of the teenagers I met at the graduation party had vocabularies much larger than mine and were taking college classes in high school. I asked if this was normal and found out that it was. If I ever have children, I will send them to school here.

New England is also a friendly place(cars actually stopped for pedestrians, as pictured) but a small place. EVERYBODY knew my cousin and what awards he received at graduation and what college he was going to. They also knew my aunt and uncle as the couple who dressed as streakers to a 70's party because they read about some crazy streaking event that happened in the 70's. You're probably thinking that they didn't go totally naked but they really did. They ran around the party stark naked and well, in little town, NH that caused quite a stir.

I also found out that everyone up there is into outdoors sports. L.L. Bean is a huge deal and everybody is always discussing skiing, fishing, hiking, boating or some other outdoor past time. It's this whole other culture that shows up even in their economy. All of the restaurants and shops were centered around the "type" of people that live in New England. I didn't see any Forever 21's or H&M's. J. Crew and Gap flourished here and shoes stores consisted of shoes, sandals and boots that you could hike, bike and sometimes even swim in. The only ethnic cuisine I saw was Asian cuisine which my cousin informed me is basically like our take-out chinese food.

Mostly, I spent my time having great conversations with some really great people including family members and strangers. I also sat in my aunt's hot tub each night and got some great book recommendations. This atmosphere of complete relaxation and unity with nature was just so nice coming from icky Baltimore city.

Coming home, I was sitting in the Manchester Airport and this sweet little old lady asked me a question about how Southwest flights work. I was more than equipped to answer this question because I ONLY fly Southwest. I love this airline and the way they do things. This led to a conversation about my career and that led to a conversation about books which led to a conversation about movies. This was one cool old lady. We talked about T.S. Eliot, Jane Austen, Woody Allen and Scarlett Johanssen. I throw this last name in because she gave me this amazing compliment. She looked at me and said, "You are just like a Scarlett Johanssen character." Now I know this lady must be delirious but what a confidence booster this was!

I Love a...Closet Nerd!

2008-06-16T08:39:00.003-04:00

So I've been seeing someone new. From the first date we went on, I liked him. He just made me smile. Now usually, I can list all the reasons I really like someone. When I tell my friends about him, it's like I'm trying to justify liking him. Not this guy, nope. I just like him. Nothing else necessary. We "clicked" or whatever you want to call it.

So, I knew he had a degree in networking and a job involving computers and technology and all that good stuff. Lately, every man I speak to seems to have these type of credentials but there are differences between them. Some just chose this because they knew the technology age was coming up and there would be good jobs for them but others.....are the true nerds who just love talking about computer languages and the newest gadgets. These are the men I love! Now let me remind you I am not a computer age girl. I love books with paper and ink in them. I love the process of your hand putting words down on paper and I even just love the smell of an old book. Why I am into these type of men, I could not tell you.

This new guy, TO, he didn't show too many signs of either type of "tech" guy. I was wondering about it until one day we were in my room. Now, my ex (who was the nerdy type mentioned above), had helped me buy an external hard drive for my computer but we forgot to check if it was Mac compatible. Turns out that it wasn't so the thing's been sitting in my room since the downfall of our relationship because I honestly wouldn't even know where to start in re-formatting the thing. I was planning on bringing it into the Apple store at some point hoping they could help me out.

Let me get back on track, TO picks up the external hard drive and says, "Do you use this thing?" I tell him how I acquired it and explain that I was planning on using it as soon as I had time to speak to somebody about how to make it work with my computer and all that jazz. and VOILA! I see it. He gets excited! He starts going on about everything he's going to do to fix it and would it be ok if he had to take it apart? There is literally a twinkle in his eye. He jumps on my computer and tries to fix the problem right then and there but cannot which I believe actually excited him more! This meant he'd have a challenge to work through and that might even mean playing with gadgets and doing research and that was all just what got him going! He eventually decided he would take the hard drive home where he could really work on it. I can just picture the smile on his face as he tries to make this work for me. It's just adorable!

Needless to say, if I ever need to justify why I like TO I have something to put on the list now.

A Year In Baltimore City Schools.....O Wow!

2008-06-11T07:07:00.004-04:00

So as I'm nearing the end of my first year of teaching, there's a lot of reflecting to be done. I once had a professor who said the best teacher is a reflective one. I like to take this and say the same about all people. If you can look back at what you've done and face the good and the bad equally, you're a pretty sweet person. Anyway, I've compiled a list of some high and some lowlights from my first year as a teacher in Baltimore City.

1. My Daily Instructional Outlines and Pacing Guide- This is basically a binder telling every middle school English teacher what to teach every day. It tells you what book to use, what hand-out to use and exactly what to say to the children. I guess they missed the part of EDU101 that reminded the rest of us that all students DO NOT learn the same or at the same pace. (and believe me the pace this outline took was not a slow one.)

One of the best parts about this document is that they changed it about every two weeks as a result of the pacing problem. They would issue a new one and then the old one would be null and void. Those poor, poor trees....I just began to let the children color in the old ones. They have such pretty grids and pictures on them now! About halfway through the year I'd glance at this thing and then just choose something different to do with my children. I'd try and pick things that were tailored to their interests and at their reading levels. Man Baltimore, Couldn't you have attempted to do the same?

2. Miscommunication- This seems to be a problem in most inner-city school districts. No one is on the same page until about 10 minutes after something should've have been done. Example being that I was given a test to give to the children the last week of school. Three weeks before this we checked with the heads of our department to see if there would be a test. They said no. We gave our own test and then had to give theirs too. Even better than all this, they dropped the tests off the day before they were supposed to be given. That meant no review for my children. This hurts the children much more than it hurts me.

3. Novels- Ok, this one really is positive. I LOVED working with my children on the novels we read. Day after day, their eyes lit up when new things happened to characters they had begun to know and love. This was the first time all year I felt they were in fact learning something without trying too hard. They began to come to class excited and prepared!

4. Poetry- Another positive one. My kids wrote beautiful poetry and they enjoyed it.

5. My homeroom- I am a first year teacher. My homeroom this year was 19 sixth grade boys and 10 sixth grade girls. At the beginning of the year, I wanted to kill them all. Last Friday, when I said goodbye to many of them I had tears in my eyes. I found something to love in each of them. Sixth grade is a growing year and so is your first year teaching. This meant we did tons of growing together!

6. My Principal- This woman has been working in Baltimore for 34 years but numerous people that entered the school asked us if it was her first year as a principal. She acted as if she had no prior experience with children like ours and even worse, as if she didn't care at all. She provided no structure and was often rude and mean. She failed on so many levels to meet the needs of the school that many of us didn't understand why she came in at all. Needless to say, we would've been better off without her.

7. My Assistant Principal- This is an amazing woman that had to take on too many jobs as a result of the failures of the person I've already mentioned. She is respected by everyone in the building and you can tell that she cares about all of us. Many times she'd remind me that it was my first year and things could only get better or she would make sure I was taking care of myself (have you gone to that doctor yet?). We couldn't have made it through this year without her.

8. Parents- It's amazing the difference they make. That's all I can say.

9. Childhood Obesity- My students eat disgusting amounts of foods high in sugars, fats and calories. They have no idea why it's not ok and many of their parents eat the same horrible foods. This is such a sad phenomenon. Many of the things inner city parents pass down to their children are sad but this one is basically going to kill them in the end.

10. Special Ed- This is the one place where students get what they need and it's the law. Amen for that. Too many of my students need more one on one time or different resources than I can give them but once they have special ed services recommended for them the law says they MUST have these things. It's beautiful to see how well a child can do when given what they need to succeed.

Other things I could add to this list include ADHD, lead poisoning, drugs and the parents that do them, positive reinforcement and how far it can go, the budget, inconsistency. These are all things I learned about this year but you're probably tired of reading by now. There are so many problems with the way the system is run that I am extremely proud of the students that DO succeed within it and at the same time extremely saddened for those who are cheated out of success by it. I guess I'll move into next year with new ideas and hope they work.

Quarter Life Fiesta!

2008-06-08T23:56:00.006-04:00

No, not mine. My great friend Melanie had her 25th birthday this weekend in NYC. I took a megabus up on Saturday morning. Megabus is this supersweet bus company that has dirt cheap trips to many major cities. Check it out if you live on the east coast.

After showering upon my arrival, we spent the whole afternoon (a 90 degree afternoon) and the early evening doing what everyone does when they visit "the city"....shopping! I bought the dress you see above and some other items. My feet were hurting from wearing new shoes all day and I was sticky from dried sweat. but I knew the party had to go on. It was my girl's birthday! We were all hoping for a bit of chill time but we weren't going to get it. We jumped right into our outfits and rushed out again.

We had a yummy dinner in Little Italy complete with wine. (pictured above) We then headed out to the bar Melanie had chosen for a night of karaoke. Now we learned a couple things here. First, never have a party at a bar you've never visited. Turns out the bar was in Chinatown. We entered to find ourselves the only non-asians in the place. Being the positive people we are, we decided this was cool and spent the night alternating our horrible versions of pop songs in english with their equally horrible versions of asian pop songs in asian languages. I really wished I knew what some of those songs were saying. They sounded like they could have been good.

After two hours of this, we decided it was time to shake our booties and headed to another bar. By this time I had had a couple shots of Jose. Yes, I broke my previous 3 drink rule this night. The Jose leaves me without the name of this bar but either way we went in and took over the dance floor. I was sweating horribly by the end of the night but I was smiling bigger than ever. The picture you see above is me at the end of the night doing my "sexy pose"! Yup, doesn't that look sexy? Ewwwww....

We took a cab back to Mel's where I unbuttoned 3 buttons of that dress and fell asleep with my hands still on the buttons. Mel has a picture of this but I think it's inappropriate for the internet.

I took the bus back to Baltimore and on the way home decided I really need to get out of this city. I just don't like it. Being in another city just reminded me how uncomfortable I am here.

I had a great weekend with great friends, great shopping, great dancing and great drinks!

Beef

2008-06-04T02:45:00.004-04:00

At 2:46am, I'm putting a question out into cyberspace or should I say numerous questions. Can you ever really forgive? Can you love again? More than that, is it possible to forget the past? Can you trust again?

There was a man. I was 20. Looking back, I think we were in fact in love. Now I know normally 20 year olds would be quick to say they were in love but not me.....or him for that matter. We'll call him Beef. We met in a line for a bar when he said something witty after I made a remark on his shirt or something like this. The next day he called and my life has not been the same since. We dated which was a bit new and different for both of us. Commitment wasn't either of our strong points. But I enjoyed his company. We had conversations I've never had with anyone else and we would laugh at the same jokes. My friends loved him. It was amazing. I never told him how much I had started to feel for him and he kept back the same feelings.

Even then, I had trouble trusting men. This probably stems back to some problem with my mother or a childhood trauma or something but whatever. After a while, I started questioning what he was doing (which wasn't anything to question). He got upset. Yelling, screaming.....break up. What ensued after the breakup was many months of drama in mutual hangout bars and great sex. He dated other people and so did I but we couldn't seem to get away from each other. He was always in the number one spot and I thought he knew that.

Finally, there was one particular month where we got into numerous drunken arguments. The most prevalent of these was a night he saw me dancing with an old boyfriend. The argument that followed was of the really ugly sort but during it I blurted out that I loved him. This was a HUGE deal for me. I had never told anyone this and meant it.(high school is a funny place) Shortly after, he ceased speaking to me. I mean just cut off all ties. I was a mess. I laid in bed daily, crying, not eating.

At this time, I lived with a girl we'll call Cecelia. To this day, I will never understand how she began speaking to Beef. She was supposed to be dating his best friend. Needless to say, she and Beef started sleeping together and lying about it. This was after she and I signed a 10 month lease on an apartment. I found out from the friend she was supposed to be dating about a month into their relationship and was devastated. More than anything, the deception killed me. I then had to live with the girl and often had to live with Beef at the apartment. They began dating. This was an absolute nightmare.

Skip ahead 3 years....insert montage of a whole bunch of life stuff happening to me.....I'm now in Baltimore.

I find out that Beef is 20 miles away. We reconnect with many long conversations about our youthful misunderstandings. He never knew that he was number one to me. I never knew how much it hurt him when I didn't trust him in the first place. He tried 8 million times to explain him and Cecelia. We were dissecting the mess that we used to be. Throughout all of this, I was falling for someone else in Baltimore and hoping for happiness. I wanted to forgive Beef so we could at least be friends though. It's so hard to find a good conversation but every time I'd think we were ok those old memories would come back and I'd get angry all over again.

So the someone else didn't work and my mind always goes back to Beef. He's everything I want. My birthday was this past month and he wrote me a beautiful explanation of everything that happened way back when. He opened up to me everything that he had never said. There was so much that I didn't understand back then and vice versa. He has been steadily redeeming himself for months now and isn't it just a strange coincidence that two lovers from Buffalo ended up within 20 miles from each other still single?

The thing is I still love him. When he smiles and laughs, I do right with him. I love his strange little pieces of useless information that he inserts into other people's conversations in public. I love the way he turns everything into an analogy. I love that he reads. I love the way his body feels. Most of all, I love our conversations. He gets me.

So I ask the same questions from the beginning of this post. Can you ever really forgive? Can you love again? More than that, is it possible to forget the past? Can you trust again?

New Job, New Place, New Life?

2008-06-02T12:11:00.002-04:00

So I took the day off of work....for no real reason except I knew that if I went in I'd be expected to teach something. Today is just not a day I feel like teaching. Yes, yes I know that there's only 1 real week of school left but just the thought of going in today made me feel sick. Call it a mental health day I guess.

Anyway, I've decided to use this day to start looking for apartments and summer jobs. I would like to waitress over the summer. I miss the fast paced atmosphere and a job where your only real responsibility is getting people their food on time. After 10 months of being teacher, mom, coach, and babysitter to my students, I can't wait to shirk real responsibility and pretend I'm a smoker just to get the smoke break. Not to mention, the best part, tips!

The other task I'd like to accomplish today is finding an apartment. I want somewhere I'll be able to call my own. Somewhere cozy and comfy and where they'll let me have a dog.

It has been a long year in Baltimore, MD. I've fallen and had to pick myself up in many arenas: love, career, friendships and life. The proverbial "they" say if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger. I guess this year I've gotten stronger then. Now all I'd like to do is live comfortably and teach for the next year. O and have a doggie to walk at the beginning and the end of every day.

Love this.

2008-06-01T08:18:00.000-04:00

My heart's on fire and I'm reaching out to the internet.

2008-05-27T22:42:00.001-04:00

~Joyce*

I was walking in Washington, DC a couple of months ago and spotted this sign on a park bench. So many different story lines came to mind that still to this day I cannot choose one to write about. Who is Erica? Who left this sign? Is it a love story or something as boring as two people who usually eat lunch together? I'd like to think that Erica received her message, no matter who she is but wouldn't it make great drama if the sign blew away 5 minutes before she got there. I've always loved the idea of serendipity and this plays into that. If Erica never received the message, does that simply mean that she wasn't supposed to? Or is Erica a little girl and this sign came from an adult who's supposed to pick her up? Maybe she has an anxiety problem and the person put the sign there to keep her from getting worried? In this case, what happens if the sign blows away? What if Erica never saw the sign but stumbles upon this blog someday and realizes that she never should have married the wrong man or that her grandpa really DID love her? The mind just reels.....

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I'm 24 today!?

2008-05-26T07:56:00.000-04:00

I guess time flies when you're having.....when you're busy.......I can't say that my 24 years on this earth have been oodles of fun. They've been a healthy balance of good, bad and otherwise. I have very much to be thankful for and a few bad memories to remind me of how good the good ones are. On this birthday, instead of looking back I'd like to look forward with a list of things I want to do within the next year:

-leave the United States-I've never been anywhere outside of the US except for Canada.
-start my next year of teaching off on the right foot.
-begin school again
-start a girl scout troop with my good friend A.
-find a spot in Baltimore I can call home and feel comfy in.
-make new friends, lots of them
-keep up my 3 drink rule
-take a new type of dance lesson
-go to the aquarium
-go to a planetarium
-read new authors
-go camping
-swim
-dance
-find a job somewhere new and different
-roller skate
-ride my bike more
-lose 5 pounds-hate to say it but its true
-convince my Niagara Falls friends to get out
-make sure my parents know they are appreciated
-kiss someone an mean it
-get a professional massage
-look deeper into my spirituality

These are just a few things. I'm just hoping each day I can grow a little bit more and find a little bit more out about myself and this universe we all live in.

Happy Birthday to me!

The purpose of alcohol...

2008-05-25T10:47:00.000-04:00

I've never been a big fan of drugs. I mean I definitely went through the pothead stage of life where I learned that though it has wonderful effects on your stress level it also makes you unmotivated. This was my experience which is always countered by someone who says, "Well, I have a friend who gets all his shit done and he smokes 3 times a day." I'm going to stop there because I just don't know if I believe this statement.
Coming back from my digression....the one drug I have always seemed to stick to is alcohol. Recently, I've taken to wondering why I've never ceased using this drug like I did marijuana. I mean even in small amounts it's not very healthy and in large amounts it pretty much just makes me look like a dummy. This has led me to designate it's purpose in my life. On a side note, caffeine is my other drug of choice but I don't have any doubt as to its' purpose. My morning cup of coffee is my first line of defense when walking into a school full of angry administrators and screaming chilren.

So back to the booze....why do I always seem to go back to them? I've decided there are a few reasons, good and bad:

1. The numbness- Just one drink and I can feel whatever annoying emotion has caught up with me that day slip away. This is obviously negated after numerous drinks when that same emotion comes creeping back times 10. BUT, there is a certain joy to not feeling and one or two drinks accomplishes that even if for a fleeting moment.

2. The mouth- I'm speaking of my mouth. Now, I am not a quiet or shy person by any means but it seems when I'm in social settings I want to observe more than participate. This has always been the case. I'm not even sure my closest friends have noticed it. At the beginning of a night or happy hour or dinner with the girls I always seem to be silently looking around the room. I'm studying the people, the body language and sometimes the behavior of whoever I'm with. Needless to say, if I stayed like this all night, I wouldn't be much fun would I? So I have a drink or two and the conversation just seems to flow so much more freely. It allows me to have fun with the person/people I'm with and not spend my time pondering why other people are doing other things.

3. The courage- I hate to admit this one. If you asked my friends, they'd never believe this one. I always seem to be the brave, bold person. I've never had a problem walking up to new people and talking to them or jumping into a conversation going on next to me. It seems that this comes naturally to me but it does take some effort and often times some.....alcohol. Another thing it empowers me to do is confront. I usually avoid confrontation which is both a good and a bad thing but drinking helps me stand up for myself. Whether it's speaking up when a drink is spilled on me or finally letting my current man know he's been doing something disrespectful alcohol can be the catalyst for some self-empowerment. The downside of this one is what I spoke of in the numbness section. Sometimes it makes me over-exaggerate the problems and therefore look like an idiot. The truth does come out when you're drunk but I will always argue it's a truth skewed and enlarged past the real problem.

I'm sure there are other points I could add here such as social settings are usually arranged around alcohol and a drink goes right along with one of my favorite past times, dancing, but I was searching for the purpose that alcohol serves for me not the reasons why I drink it. What I've decided is that one or two drinks seem to help me get past some elements of my personality that I feel don't quite work out in all social setting but more than that maximizes the elements and causes me to do and say things I would never do and say sober. I guess I need to work on finding other ways to work on the parts of my social personality I feel akward about and remember something my parents taught me: Anything in moderation is ok, excess is dangerous. I was told to apply this rule to everything but heroine and crack because even in moderation they're addictive.

From this point forward I'm applying a 3 drink rule. Anytime I'm out, I will have no more than three drinks. This includes holidays and birthdays.

On Being Home....Alone

2008-05-24T20:53:00.000-04:00

So I'm home in Niagara Falls, NY. Last time I was here, I was with what turned out to be a very short lived significant other. When he was here, I didn't get to do and see a lot of the things and people I was hoping to. I had to try to entertain and enjoy my time. It's so much better to be home alone.

Last night I got to visit an old friend that I used to date. It was wonderful and we had a great time. I realized about halfway through the night that I felt more comfortable with this guy who I had never seriously dated but have known for many years than I ever was with my ex. We'll call my friend Ed. Ed knows me. We laughed and danced and talked into the wee hours of the night. I miss having friends like him. Yes yes, we used to sleep together but none of that mattered after six years of friendship. What keeps us around each other is the friendship. The fact that he has seen me laugh, cry, and scream and yell and still loves me all the same is what matters. He is dating someone now and I was nervous to see how the dynamic of our relationship would change with this as a factor. The only real difference was there was no physical aspect. The love was all still there though! I've decided I could never have this same relationship with my ex, Al. We thought we were friends but he just doesn't really know and accept me. I think this relationship is done and over and I'm quite ok with that.

Tonight, I'll be going out in Buffalo, a place that I used to frequent. I'm excited to dance and see my girls. The girls who I've known forever and also love me regardless of our differences. We're really nothing alike when it comes to interests, politics or religion...but it just doesn't matter. We've been through the ups and the downs together and we'd die for each other. I love them unconditionally. Sitting on my parents couch writing this I am content. I don't need to cry over sad memories or revel in the past. Everyone here has been through it with me so we're all ready for the future even if it means we're seperate for a while.

The reason I'm writing this is because May is a hard month for my friends and I in Niagara Falls. Many bad things have happened in past years during this month. As I write this, my best friend's mother is very sick. This just adds to our laundry list of horrid events that have happened in May. I thought coming home would be hard and make me think about all of those past things(not like I wasn't thinking about them in Baltimore). It hasn't. My friends and my family have just provided me the strength to move forward. They have reminded me of what I've lived through. They have reminded of the strength I come from and that I also keep inside myself. So my thoughts on being home....alone are simply this: If I'm home, I'm never really alone.

Not sure why

2008-05-21T01:47:00.000-04:00

It's 1am and I just slept for 7 hours. Obviously this will hurt me because now I can't fall asleep to be up for work tomorrow. Anyway, late nights always lead to a wandering mind and mine has been all over the place. Mostly it's been on this online dating thing. My older sister got me into it last Christmas and since the demise of my last relationship, I've decided to try it again. I guess people get into it because it's supposed to be better than meeting people in bars. In all honesty though, it's not too much different. There's still the same sense of superficiality and need to impress. This just annoys me. Anywhere I meet someone, I just can't stand the fakeness. Please just be real whether we're typing back and forth or speaking in a bar. Don't say things just because I want to hear them....

So I just checked my match and surprise! there's actually someone I'm interested in. But wait, damnit, he's already found someone on match but he thinks I'm very interesting and wonderful. He just doesn't think it's right to court two women at once. Here's something you'd never find in a bar....fidelity! Too bad I didn't break up with my old man sooner. I could've caught this guy! O well, I'll send some messages back and forth with him and then probably get bored.

So I'm writing these blogs to no one. I guess my mind just needs emptying sometimes. Thanks to the internet...I can ramble.

Lessons from Jane Austen

2008-04-29T19:58:00.000-04:00

Here goes:

-every now and then a girl enjoys being crossed in love.
-knowing a man's home can make you fall in love with new pieces of him.
- the one you hate can easily be the one you love and vice versa.
- when it comes to relationships, your parents can mess things up without even realizing it.
- never underestimate the power of a well-written letter.
- what you don't say is more powerful than what comes out of your mouth.
- think outside the box
- large groups of men and women trying to cure boredom can be very dangerous.
- trips to beautiful, natural places will always be ruined if you bring too many humans to them.
- trips to beautiful, natural places will always be enjoyed if you go alone even if the weather turns against you.
- beautiful, natural places are also great places to make love connections.
- when women speak of fashion they are doing so to make you forget how much they actually know.
- always remember that those who have less than you should be treated with kindness. This is not an excuse for them to be ungrateful or rude though.
- karma is a bitch.
- matchmaking is dangerous, unnecessary and annoying especially to those you're trying to pair up.
- matchmaking also will usually end up with you falling in love with one of the people you were trying to match up.
- your heart will be broken but that usually means that someone better will come along to heal it.
- lovers should be friends first.
- communication is key, whether written or spoken.
- blaming a person for something they did not know or something they could not control is pointless.
- allowing a person's social class or the amount of money they make to change the way you treat them makes you appear to be an idiot.
- happy endings are not easily come by if they occur at all.
- love is work.
- friends are important and should be cherished.
- quirky people are the best kind.
-patience is a virtue.
- in a woman's mind nothing is simple. talking is never just talking, dancing is never just dancing and your choice of who to stand next to could be the end/beginning of everything. Smart women know this is silly.
- In a man's mind, nothing is simple. Talking is wonderful as long as it is not a conversation that has happened a million times before. Once something is said, it should be remembered and believed. A filter takes care of any misunderstandings before they exit the mouth.

(This means that women are completely at fault for arguments. This is very arguable)

- Living up to your parents' standards is difficult, many times because they expect you to accomplish what they did not.

Sometimes I need to rant....

2008-04-29T19:57:00.001-04:00

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news?slug=ap-voguecover&prov=ap&type=lgns

http://images.eonline.com/eol_images/The_Hum/20080314/293.LeBron.Gisele.031408.jpg

Above are two attachments. One is the latest cover of Vogue magazine featuring Lebron James and Gisele and an article about how they keep themselves in shape. The other attachment is an article from yahoo.com that covers the controversy this cover is currently causing in the US. This controversy has to do with the depictions of these two people on the cover. Lebron is shown with the face he probably makes shortly before or after he dunks the ball or makes a great play and Gisele appears to be skipping or jumping with a happy go lucky face and wind blown hair.(a pose she's probably used to as a model) Lebron's arm is around Gisele.

Looking at this picture, these two are in fact drastically different in size but I thought Vogue did a decent job of portraying them in their perspective roles of athlete and model. It must have been hard to balance the disproportionate sizes of a size 0 female and a massive professional athlete. I won't even speak on their skin colors (which are obviously different) because at first glance, it didn't strike me as important...then I read the article from Yahoo.

Apparently, when some people looked at this photo they thought Lebron looked like King Kong and Gisele looked like a white victim of the vicious monster....? These people are condemning Vogue for the cover even saying that the magazine meant to portray the black man as a beast and the white woman(Brazilian woman) as a small, weak victim. (a smiling,skipping victim by the way) This implies that the editors and designers at Vogue are racist.

Personally, this annoys the shit out of me. I think it's ridiculous the way Americans are so racially sensitive for all the wrong reasons. I do understand that racism has not left the country and is still a massive issue but I think stressing over things like this cover only pulls us away from the real issues. The real issue is the deep seated bias that makes a person look at a black athlete showing his on-court emotion and see a gorilla monster. Isn't that person really the racist? Isn't the real problem that a man and a woman on the cover of a magazine can't just be a man and a woman on the cover of a magazine because of their skin color?

Let me know what you think.......

Thoughts on A WNY upbringing

2008-04-29T19:56:00.000-04:00

I was reading a book and the heroine was speaking of her mother’s inclination towards living where there were extreme weather changes. She went on to explain that she claimed to do this because it reminded her she was alive. I loved this notion.

Until about 10 months ago, I was living in Western New York. Specifically, Niagara Falls or Buffalo. The weather was always a topic of conversation. Between our white winters and our slimy, hot summers words like “lake effect snow” and “humidity” were thrown around daily. Many of the natives grew to accept the weather, even enjoy it. We reveled in summer swimming and winter sledding or snowman building. I have not even begun to mention my favorite part of living in an ever changing climate, the springs and the autumns. These were beautiful times of color lost or gained. Though we enjoy all of these aesthetic pleasures, I actually believe our love for these weather changes goes much deeper. It is attached to certain to our absolute feeling of being human.

I will start with autumn. It’s very hard to pick where to start when you’re dealing with a cycle that never ends. Autumn comes right after summer. School is starting and life is getting serious again. The leaves begin to change color and you know that soon they will leave their lofty homes. Summer fun, though enjoyable, must end and you’re not too upset about it because you were quite sick of sweating too much and the disgusting things living in air conditioning does to you. Not only that, you were a little bored with idle fun. Your life is ready for purpose and here comes fall ready to give it to you. It reminds you that humans cannot live idly forever.

After fall, comes winter. When the leaves have all fallen and the temperatures drop, you bundle up and get ready for the snow. There’s a definite comfort in laying in the house and cuddling under covers. You know the next few months will be about surviving. You will have to work when you get up, shoveling or brushing off your car. There’s fun to be had but never without at least 20 minutes of putting on warm weather gear. Winter teaches you how to work. Many people get depressed at this time of year. Though Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, it seems as you get older, you just begin to think about how it’s not as fun as it used to be. I contend that this depression is just another way our seasons remind us of our humanity. It would be inhuman to be happy all the time. Winter makes us work and reminds us that a little sadness makes you strong.

Just when you’re not sure if you can survive another day of the winter lows, you start to see little signs of spring. Snow melts and little colors start popping up. Temperatures rise to where they were in the fall but this time you’re taking off clothes for the 60 degree weather instead of putting them on. People begin to smile again. They talk to each other and romance always seems to be in the air. At this point, you feel like you made it through. You feel strong and renewed. You feel the sun on your skin and you are reborn just a little bit. Your step quickens and everything just feels lighter and brighter. Theres no better reminder of the beauty of life than when you lose it shortly and it’s given back to you. Spring is when we get it back.

Lastly, there’s summer time. Clothes come almost completely off and now the temperatures are so high, you can’t get away from them. School’s out and that’s a good thing because who could be serious when it’s hot like this? Who could be productive when there’s so much fun to be had? There are so many enjoyments at this time of the year and almost no work to do other than pulling out the bikes and switching over your closets but you probably did that in spring. Summertime is all about the pleasure of being a human, swimming and playing and enjoying each other’s company. You get to just live and let live.

I had always enjoyed experiencing all four seasons. I can’t imagine living where there was little to no climate change. My experience has taught me that being alive means all kinds of contradictions and keeping a balance between them. We are given summer because we worked through winter. We are given spring and fall so that the transitions between the extremes are just a bit easier to handle. It’s all in balance with each other and I honestly think it helped me to be balanced within myself.

Letter Austen Style

2008-04-29T19:51:00.000-04:00

What was your purpose for securing my affections? and then so suddenly leaving my affectionate heart alone? It makes such little sense that I can only wonder about it for a short time each day or I'll be inclined to behave destructively to either you or myself. My head needs to be cleared daily from the confusion your behavior has brought on. I can only think that you were simply not as deeply attached as you let on or that you are feigning this indifference to my feelings. If it is the former, I have to be amazed at the cruelty in acting as seriously as you did. If it is the latter, I am wondering and worrying what's really going on in your head at this moment. You must know that I would be willing to provide you whatever comforts necessary to keep us alive for later felicity in life. I know that you believe this would be cruel and therefore would not act this way but my confusion at this juncture is twice as painful. It is more my head than my heart that hurts at this time just from trying to figure you out.